With the Holiday Season upon us, for some (many more then you may think) the twinkling lights and thoughts of family gatherings create a much apprehension. So here are a few words of wisdom for you, to make the best of the holidays and reduce anxiety and stress. Share them with a friend who needs to hear this as well.
During family gatherings, most people will quickly revert into old roles they held during childhood, because these are familiar. In Psychology, we say that in a family each child will take on one of the following roles to be loved and feel loved:
- The Brilliant One
- The Sick One
- The Troublemaker
- The Entertainer
Which one of these four were you growing up?
These roles were not chosen consciously, but subconsciously, to guarantee love and acceptance in our families. Let me state clearly: The majority of people grow up in homes, where parents are trying their absolute best to care for and love their children to the best of their ability. They too have been subconsciously programmed by their families of origin and generations before them.
So, when we gravitate towards one of these roles, this is ingrained in us across generations. You have the ability to change this pattern in life by first of all becoming aware of your role, understanding the importance it has played in your life, and then letting it go. Transforming it into who you truly are, when you are not changing yourself to better fit in.
Holidays: Old Roles and Expectations Await
Back to the holiday gatherings: As you return home, each of you will be drawn back to playing the role of the child you always were. Old family dynamics are reactivated. Your “buttons” will be pushed highly effectively, because the holidays are connected to some much emotional pressure.
Advertising has put the Holidays on the pedestal, it must be a time of perfect harmony, family gatherings, laughter, perfect photos, happiness and joy for all. Naturally we wish to experience this perfect harmony, and we go into the holidays with this image of an ideal we should be able to achieve this year. Such high expectations can almost always only lead to disappointment, because each person is coming with different expectations. Add to that a discrepancy between who you are today and how other people in your family “remember you” as a child (a.k.a. the role they thought you were supposed to fulfil), old wounds that were (unintentionally) created through a lack of clear communication, and other struggles in life – you are creating the conditions for a perfect storm.
I know from many that to try and put up a barrier against this disappointment, by telling yourself: “if XYZ happens, I will not take it easily, instead I will tell them my true thoughts and feelings.” As such, you are not hyper focused on XYZ and emotionally already deeply involved in this issue. Because you are so focused on XYZ, I can guarantee you that within the first hour of your arrival, you will be seeing XYZ and XYZ similar on multiple occasions, causing you deep emotional turmoil.
How to set yourself up for the best possible Holiday Season
1. Let go of control.
Control is something we do not have, ever. Otherwise, you would never get stuck in traffic, get sick or have rain when you planned an event. Control does not exist. But because we are so terrified by this and we cannot trust the process, we cling to the few things that we think we can control. As a result, we do our best to impose our views, beliefs and feelings on the people around us, because we think we know best. Not realising, that these people feel the same way as we do and are trying to impose their views, beliefs and feelings on us.
Surrender control and accept there might be fights over the holiday, there may be arguments, but you have a choice: You can engage in them, or you can let them go. If tension heats up, remove yourself from the situation, go for a walk in the fresh air, this will for sure help clear your mind and bring peace to your nervous system. Surrender control that you and this other person will never agree on XYZ, and this is ok. You both have autonomy to live a life as you choose, and you may choose differently. Are you happy with your choice? If you are deeply, truly happy their comments loose their power, because you understand that you in your own true power.
2. All you control is your thoughts.
Your thoughts determine your feelings. Your feelings determine your actions. Your actions reconfirm your thoughts, which determines your feelings, which… You understand the wheel of action.
Choose your thoughts wisely. Set an intention to stay calm throughout the holiday and not be invested in the outcome. Set the intention to be present and calm, an unattached observer of all that comes. Choose to show up as your best self every day and give your best, but don’t be attached to the outcome. Perhaps the table isn’t decorated the way you wanted, perhaps an accident occurs in the kitchen, perhaps the pets destroy the tree, let go of your expectation of perfection and give in to “good enough”. You are doing your best and that is enough. Perfection is unattainable and will cause unnecessary anxiety. Let go and enjoy the moments as they unfold, give in to spontaneous moments, they will probably make the best memories in the long run anyway.
3. Be present.
When we get stuck in our heads and our visions of what perfect holidays should look like, we miss all the little moments. It’s not about the gifts, it’s not about the food on the table, it’s about coming together with people we love and care for. It’s about spending time together, sharing laughs, memories and hugs.
The time we have here is tremendously precious and once our loved ones are gone, all the frills won’t matter anymore – but the memories we created together will live in our hearts forever.
4. Ask for help.
Is your brother the “Entertaining One”? Ask him to look our for a signal of yours, if the tension is mounting to the point that you are having a hard time controlling your emotions and then have him change the subject through jokes or funny stories. Ask your partner for support to get you out of situations when you feel yourself getting lost in a negative spiral. Set a reminder on your phone every hour, to briefly check in with yourself, how you are doing and if you need a walk. Listen to a meditation to keep you grounded, I happen to have one specifically for the holidays, check it out.
Prepare yourself by talking to a therapist or booking an RTT session to keep you grounded and solidified in your new self, so old patterns can’t pull you out of your comfort zone for any length of time.
For those with aching hearts
For those like myself, who have lost loved ones, the holidays can be very hard too. We grieve old traditions and moments with those loved and lost, while doing our best to stay present and grounded. Stay in touch with your heart during the holidays and allow the heartache to be felt. You are not ungrateful to the present moment, by feeling that heaviness. Should you not feel any heaviness then that is perfectly good too, stay in touch with yourself.
Find a way to honour those you are missing, either by keeping traditions alive you loved or honouring them in another way. Remember to ask for help and give yourself a break if you need it. As I write these last two paragraphs, I can feel tears stinging my eyes and I that is perfectly okay.
However, you choose to celebrate the holidays, I wish you love, patience and peace. From my heart to yours, Happy Holidays and all the best for 2025!
Love,
Alexandra
Comments